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The family is sitting at the dinner table.
The son asks his father: "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"
The father, surprised, answers: "Well son, there are three kinds
of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties and forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After
fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says: " Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers: "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, It's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.
This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing 10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.”
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This geezer is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
“What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary-Ellen written on it," she replies.
"Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary-Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
She seems satisfied at this and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he says, what the hell was that for?"
His wife replies: "Your f******* horse phoned!"
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You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are either male or female.
Below are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong ones!
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female, because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5,000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.
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Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like..."You know, sometimes I forget to eat!" .....Now... I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...
She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
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My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said: "Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock class of vigorous toning?"
Clear as a bell my body said: "Listen witch.....do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding?
That's my idea of a perfect day!
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As I mature, I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in!
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs!
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it!
A teacher asks her class: "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Ralphy for the answer.
He replies: "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."
Then little Ralphy says: "Please Miss, I have a question for you".
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies: "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
Little Ralphy replies: "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
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Little Ralphy returns from school and says he got an ‘F’ in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked: 'How much is 2 x 3?”
“I said "6", replies Ralphy.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me: "How much is 3 x 2?'"
"What's the f*cking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
Little Ralphy goes to school, and the teacher says: "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Ralphy says: "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says: "Wow, little Ralphy, that's a mouthful."
Little RALPHY replies: "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
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One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with: "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Ralphy.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said ‘Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!’”
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She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walks in.
She turns and says: "You've got to make love to me - this very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says: "Thanks," and returns to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asks: "What was that all about?"
She explains: "The egg timer's broken!"
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A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife: "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled: " BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!": the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!": they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled: "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"
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The husband had just finished reading a new book, called: "You Can Be The Man Of Your House."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly: "From now on, YOU will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have all the sex that I want. After that, you are going to run me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.....then, you
will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's all done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"....
His wife replied: "The f**king funeral director would be my guess...."
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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids!"
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Real ads from a Scottish lonely-hearts column:-
Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08
Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03
Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.
Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41
Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87
Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential. Box12/32
Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions.References required. No timewasters. Box 23/45
Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27
Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07
Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41
Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm
Cullen man, mid twenties, seeks nubile young lady for cooking, cleaning and fornication contract. Must be prepared to be a bidy-in and have a a strong knowledge of local dialect. Oh and big baps ana.
A jelly baby goes to the doctor. "Doctor, doctor. I think I've got an STD." The doctor is surprised, "You can't have an STD, you're a Jelly Baby!" "But doctor, I've been sleeping with Allsorts".
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A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to Enter a password, something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's' attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in ‘PENIS.’
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:‘PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.’
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A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says: "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies: "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
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One night, as a couple go to bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife. She says: "NO! I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "I dont suppose you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired!"
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too!"
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says: "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man replies. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered: "Let's relive some old times,"
whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replies Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"
Smart Answers:
It was mealtime during a flight.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said: "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy: "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied: "No ma'am, they're dead."
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied: "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says: "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says: "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked: "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says: "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter. "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for her wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter. "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and taken advantage of."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"
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When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you each a receipt.
After we see land, you can get your penis back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Darn it!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until finally Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land.
But why are you acting so excited every day?"
"LOOK!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper... "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
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